=( =(

Just when i thought it was going so well i had gotton over adam and was startin a fresh, i love talking to him cos in my eyes yeah we have a laugh and i enjoy it, but then i saw him it wasnt even for long like 20 mins when he gave me a ride one day after a night out, and it hit me how much i had missed him and that smile of his wel its enough to turn ur heart upside down, i gave it a thought for a few days and we talked more and more i think he enjoyed the company talkin 2 me maybe im not sure, over the time i was talking 2 him and all those feelings came flooding back , i was dreaming about him and when i was talking 2 him i was wishin he would pik up the fone just so i could hear his voice for a lil while.

Time went bi and i told him i miss him . which i did so much. He was my world he really was and ive never loved anyone the way i loved him i apsolutly adored him i looked up 2 him, and he was the special person that was in my life.

One night he had , had a few drinks and was fallin aslepp , and as i was puttin the fone dowm 2 day goodbye he said I LOVE YOU, i could not sleep that night thinking omg that wasnt for me and all that and so i asked him and it wasnt and he couldnt member saying it but when he sed it my heart it stopped and i thinki had to gasp for air , sounds silly but it scared me .

well just a few days ago i called ben , adam , and it wasnt the first time =(
This is when i knew something was rong and i had to think bout what was going on in my head. i came to realise that i had never stopped loving adam and that even tho he hurt me beyond belive and that the heart break always hurts i stil loved him .

Most girls affter a load had done somthing like that 2 them they would have been like ooh f off n all that but not me , i sat talkin 2 him the nights his i dno what to call her ill cal her his gf for now , was tretin him like shit, i sat there listing to him tellin me how much he loved her, that caved me in , that seriously fuked me up , i was the one who got fucked off when he was with her =( i was the one who had been cheated on , who had been pregnant and been fuked off by him , i was the one who was living in hell a place i called home, i was the one who was there for him , i gave him advice not that he eva toook , i was there for him and always wil be.

now i told him howi felt and well didnt go down 2 well , i no i shudnt have sed anything 2 him but wel i cudnt help it , i no he is goin through alot with abbie and what not and i no he loves no one but her still , i no we wil nevr be ever agen , yeahh i no all that , i no people judge me for talkin 2 him textin him but i am who i am at the end of the day and if i choose to do that then i shud shudnt i ?


Just feels like i have runined everything ,i sed to him maybe we shud leave It a few days and just not talk for a bit whiile i sort my head out and all that and try and get rid of theese felling i have or him , and yet agen im sure i can do it.


Thats all for now id say , exams are going alright ,feels like ive constantly got my head stook in a book revising... well after theese exams is gna b about me mayb dno yet and it xmas aswell =(


This year as been the worst year of my life, i hope next year 2 to be a happier one.