=( =(

Just when i thought it was going so well i had gotton over adam and was startin a fresh, i love talking to him cos in my eyes yeah we have a laugh and i enjoy it, but then i saw him it wasnt even for long like 20 mins when he gave me a ride one day after a night out, and it hit me how much i had missed him and that smile of his wel its enough to turn ur heart upside down, i gave it a thought for a few days and we talked more and more i think he enjoyed the company talkin 2 me maybe im not sure, over the time i was talking 2 him and all those feelings came flooding back , i was dreaming about him and when i was talking 2 him i was wishin he would pik up the fone just so i could hear his voice for a lil while.

Time went bi and i told him i miss him . which i did so much. He was my world he really was and ive never loved anyone the way i loved him i apsolutly adored him i looked up 2 him, and he was the special person that was in my life.

One night he had , had a few drinks and was fallin aslepp , and as i was puttin the fone dowm 2 day goodbye he said I LOVE YOU, i could not sleep that night thinking omg that wasnt for me and all that and so i asked him and it wasnt and he couldnt member saying it but when he sed it my heart it stopped and i thinki had to gasp for air , sounds silly but it scared me .

well just a few days ago i called ben , adam , and it wasnt the first time =(
This is when i knew something was rong and i had to think bout what was going on in my head. i came to realise that i had never stopped loving adam and that even tho he hurt me beyond belive and that the heart break always hurts i stil loved him .

Most girls affter a load had done somthing like that 2 them they would have been like ooh f off n all that but not me , i sat talkin 2 him the nights his i dno what to call her ill cal her his gf for now , was tretin him like shit, i sat there listing to him tellin me how much he loved her, that caved me in , that seriously fuked me up , i was the one who got fucked off when he was with her =( i was the one who had been cheated on , who had been pregnant and been fuked off by him , i was the one who was living in hell a place i called home, i was the one who was there for him , i gave him advice not that he eva toook , i was there for him and always wil be.

now i told him howi felt and well didnt go down 2 well , i no i shudnt have sed anything 2 him but wel i cudnt help it , i no he is goin through alot with abbie and what not and i no he loves no one but her still , i no we wil nevr be ever agen , yeahh i no all that , i no people judge me for talkin 2 him textin him but i am who i am at the end of the day and if i choose to do that then i shud shudnt i ?


Just feels like i have runined everything ,i sed to him maybe we shud leave It a few days and just not talk for a bit whiile i sort my head out and all that and try and get rid of theese felling i have or him , and yet agen im sure i can do it.


Thats all for now id say , exams are going alright ,feels like ive constantly got my head stook in a book revising... well after theese exams is gna b about me mayb dno yet and it xmas aswell =(


This year as been the worst year of my life, i hope next year 2 to be a happier one.

My Idea Of A True Boyfriend , Wish I Got Treated Like This;;

a true boyfriend:


when she walks away from you mad

[ Follow her ]



When she stare's at your mouth

[ Kiss her ]




When she pushes you or hit's you

[ Grab her and dont let go ]





When she start's cursing at you

[ Kiss her and tell her you love her ]




When she's quiet

[ Ask her whats wrong ]





When she ignore's you

[ Give her your attention ]




When she pull's away

[ Pull her back ]




When you see her at her worst

[ Tell her she's beautiful ]




When you see her start crying

[Just hold her and dont say a word ]




When you see her walking

[ Sneak up and hug her waist from behind ]





When she's scared

[ Protect her ]





When she lay's her head on your shoulder

[ Tilt her head up and kiss her ]





When she steal's your favorite hat or sweater

[ Let her keep it and sleep with it for a night]





When she tease's you

[ Tease her back and make her laugh ]





When she doesnt answer for a long time

[ reassure her that everything is okay ]





When she look's at you with doubt

[ Back yourself up ]





When she say's that she like's you

[ she really does more than you could understand ]





When she grab's at your hands

[ Hold her's and play with her fingers ]




When she bump's into you

[ bump into her back and make her laugh ]





When she tell's you a secret

[ keep it safe and untold ]




When she looks at you in your eyes

[ dont look away until she does ]





When she misses you

[ she's hurting inside ]




When you break her heart

[ *the pain never really goes away*]




When she says its over

[ she still wants you to be hers ]





When she repost this bulletin

[ she wants you to read it ]







- Stay on the phone with her even if shes not saying anything.



- When she's mad hug her tight and don't let go



- When she says she's ok dont believe it, talk with her



- because 10 yrs later she'll remember you



- Call her at 12:00am on her birthday to tell her you love her



- Call her before you sleep and after you wake up



- Treat her like she's all that matters to you.



- Tease her and let her tease you back.



- Stay up all night with her when she's sick.



- Watch her favorite movie with her or her favorite show even if you think its stupid.



- Give her the world.



- Let her wear your clothes.



- When she's bored and sad, hang out with her.



- Let her know she's important.



- Kiss her in the pouring rain.



- When she runs up at you crying, the first thing you say is;

"Who's ass am I kicking babe?"

HAHAH I TRIED 2 BE CLEVER (y)

Heres another pic he scanned for me and sent me and i took it , cos hes like sum big time photograhier guy ,wel he likes to think that haha ,jokin , hes stuying it now in col , cos hes like 1 year older than me anyway , i took it cos he showed me how to try and get bla bla bla , sum technicle words anyhu , this is a crappy pic i took but it makes me smile cos we had so much fun , wooohhooooo

first Love (*)

Im sooooo happpy , this lad i met on holiday in spain like 2 and half years ago , has found me , woohoo , through bebo , and he sent me a picture of us , hes the art farty kinda guy , dead in to his photograpy and all that and he scanned this picture for me and told me that he really did love me , in those 2 weeks he fel but then we lost touch when his mum and dad finshed i dont no what happned really his name was barney bless him and we were god about 13..14 maybe he was huge tho , as in taller , for his age , anyway i call this picture FIRST LOVE because he was my first love and its such a shame we lost conntact , ive never forgotton him though , :D X

wel tomorrow is the big day :(

Tommooorrow well i take the pill and the lil thing inside me dies

i will misscary on wednesday :( im soo scared the amount of pain i am gonaa be in is gna be immencee

my auntie told my mum shes takin me 2 cardiff to see my cousin in uni

but im goin 2 the hopsital to get it all sorted

then it wil be all over

:(

im not gna talk about it with anyone after its all done , and if any one mentions it ill just have to change the convo cos i no ill break down cryin

next time i right on this ill b all alone again

i never felt alone for the past few weeks because i wasnt on my own , i had my baby with me

ive gt a really strong feelin it would have been a boy !!!!!


wel me and my baby are saying goodbye i no this sounds soo stupid but to night will kinda be my last night with it inside me and i no its not properly grown into a baby yet , buts its my baby and im just gna have 2 tel it how sorry i am , i no ..thinkin im a a crazy lady talkin 2 my tummy , but its the only way i feel , even tho it cant hear me , its weird , its just somethin i have to do yano

x