HMM NOT TO SURE WHAT TO CALL THIS 1 !!

Where do u bloddy start , im tryin my hardest my damn right hardest to not think bad or sad things about my future u no wht with bein not 2 wel and that , really scaring me and ppl r fussing i just want 2 b normal agen , not to have 2 b takin 6 lots of medication , not to have to keep goin 2 the hospital 4 times a week , i just wna b the old me!

I try to put on an act , i try to sounds loud and my normall self and laugh just finding it hard at the moment , they wont b to take months of skwl around 4 - 5 - 6 i think they said , but even after that i will need to have treatment after all that , my life does not feel worth living , the one thing which is keepin my sane right now i no this is really silly but having a baby and gloin traveling they are the only things that r keepin me goin , and well my family of course lol

i can feel my self getin worse , ive nt eaten in days i just frow it all bak up , and my frowt it kilin frm that , im coughin up blood , ,not told my mum about that tho cos i dont want to worry her even more , shes alredy i a bloody reck and its all my flippin fault !!! grrr hate myself for this .


God imagine if i died , that scares me soo much , ive only lived for 14 and abit years! wel i have has 13 years of a wicked life you could say , dien and not nowing if there is a heaven or a hell , or weather u just die and dnt go anywhere just chill in a box under the groung , nowin i neva forfilled any of my dreams , nowing i will neva have a child , that is scaring a me a hell of a alot about the baby !!

the thing is im on al of this medication and yet i can stil feel myself getin weaker by the day , this is apprantly normal but i can just about get myself up in the morin i was so dead this mornin my mum cudnt wake me up , i think that shit her up an awfull lot , she had to kinda dress me cos i just had no energy i got to skwl and i felt alryt i guess , got sum fizzy drink dwn me and felt a lil better , they i just tried to get my mind of it , that works but i had my mum and dad on my mind then , they i had my ex on my mind , i feel sorry for him , well im not to sure weather fellin sorry for him is what i really mean !

im happy for him / was happy for him that he was in love / in love , and im happy he has moved on but everytime i refelct back on what i had with him , i had nothing at all , our realtionship was built on lies , on his side not mine , he never loved me and i no that now m but i was stupid sum one / god gave me the signs and i never took them , i never did anything about hw i felt , tbh ending that relationship with him was a wicked fing , im happy i did it now , soo happy , yes it hurt me a hell of alot and nearly killed me everytime i found sumit new out about him bet getin married and him cheatin on me , but he did cheat on me i didnt want to belive it but he did do it 2 me , all my love for him has gone , i have no feelings what so ever which i am really happy about, im happy that i can still b his friend without having that felling of wantin him or wantin 2 b with him , which is such a wiicked thing !!! Im over him , i feel no love , no sad ness , no hate , just a friendship ! i will never love him agen!!!

god arnt i a bloody mess , my life is a mes , i could b dead soon , but still trying to forget!!!



I AM BROKENN ... BUT I AM HOOEEPIINGG


THESE BLOGS ARE THE CONFESSIONS OF A BROKEN HEART !


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